This afternoon, after sitting on my ass for 10 hours during tech for Our Country's Good, I decided I needed to take a poop.
Expecting an average bowel movement, I strolled into my bathroom, turned on the fan for the sake of my family, and commenced the pooping.
What happened then was unlike anything I'd ever experienced. Allow me to explain.
There are three categories of poop (in order from greatest to least):
1. The quick, painless poop, which is rare and greatly appreciated. This poop takes one flush.
2. The 2-Act poop. This pooping takes two tries, as its title implies. In between these attempts, there is usually a period of wandering around your house, feeling disgusted with yourself, after which you run to the bathroom to complete the poop.
3. Diarrhea. This needs no introduction in the world of poop.
Now, dear readers, you must be asking me, "Which category did your poop fall in, David?"
My answer, mortals? This poop defied genre. After the first part of my poop, I had believed it would be a standard two-act. No big deal, I wandered back to my bathroom and completed it. But then, I did something unexpected. I waited. And the poop continued. I was in shock. When I had finished, I wiped, stood up, and for the first time in a while, I felt accomplished. I washed my hands about four times, and ran to my computer to tell Danny of this amazing event. I felt as though a thousand years of pain had been cleansed from my system, or like I had just done something amazing and wonderful, which I had. Every part of my body felt free, like I had just given birth. Indeed, my friends, my poop was a poop of epic proportions. America has witnessed history, and I'm currently emailing Congress to make a statue resembling my poop in front of the Washington Monument in our nation's capital. Rejoice, people of earth, for my body is free of a great scourge. Remember this day. Remember it well, and tell your children. Never let them forget what happened tonight, for if we do not learn of our history, then we are destined to repeat it.
Thank you.
"If I believed in meat, I'd eat a plateful of our dead."
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4 comments:
A new day is born, the dawn of a new era, a generation of poop mongers, and all will look up to their new God, and whisper with bowed heads "In David's name we pray"
Oh fecal matter, we love you!
That was awesome.
Times like these make me think of Tim's Quebec poop, and all heroic poops before it. It is indeed a great day for toilets, sphincters, and feces everywhere.
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